I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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