Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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