I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
