You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
