Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
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