is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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