How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
