there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
