Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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