I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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