The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
