Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
