I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
