Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
