the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
this is an emotional support booty call
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
