He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
sex in a hospital.. check
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
