I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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