he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
