I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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