Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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