I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just threw up on my dentist
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
