the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
