i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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