Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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