I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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