I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
