I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
