a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
