Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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