did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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