i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
