Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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