walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
