I wanna passion pit in your ass
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No I am not eating basil off your cock
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
