i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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