Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
