the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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