Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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