he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
