Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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