Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
