Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
