I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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