Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
