I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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