I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
