I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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