I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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