my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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