Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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