I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
