drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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