it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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