shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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