Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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